Wednesday, April 13, 2011

No ideas

I can't tell you, it's never been this bad since P left and I kept writing you those sad and pathetic love stories of how I missed my love so badly that I ached inside. I'm so lost. I've spent so long working on my research, so long trying to get there to have this happen, now? I'm so close I can taste it, and all I can do now is cry. Just cry and cry that I've given up so much to have it blow up in my face like this.

A couple things have happened. My pump has been down for close to 2 months now. I'm convinced that it's that the instrumentation is old, but my boss would say I'm not a qualified analytical chemist, so who knows.  I think I made a mistake, and my column was exposed to water for a while. Not a long while, probably a minute.  Now I don't quite know what to do because things are just crazy and now nothing works.
Which, while this should be disconcerting to me, it's more upsetting that no one talks to me about it, and all I feel like I can do is complain. Complain, whine, and cry. Complain complain complain you get results.

What the F*CYIW* is that all about????? It doesn't make sense that someone has decided that the way to prioritize their work life is to listen to moan and groan and complain about stuff. *sigh* Ah well.

It's hard, because my whole world revolves around this work. If I hear, "It's not personal" again I might hurt myself.  I'm angry now, like really angry. And to be honest, all I wanna do is cry. 

I just don't understand a lot.  I mean, I had a procedure last week Alice. A procedure for the 1st time in close to 4 years. I was back at work at 6 am on Monday. I worked the entire day. I left at 4, and felt guilty about it! I need help. I need it badly, and I'm trying my best not to freak out. I had that surgery, you remember how bad that was Alice? After freaking out because I couldn't "bring" myself to walk away from organic chemistry.  I find myself dealing with things in a similar way here and his ambivalence is very frustrating.

I'm at a loss and the only thing that I can say is that I appreciate that you've read so far.

Much love your endeared servant-

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