Saturday, January 22, 2011

Stephen King

While I've been sitting here convalescing, I've been watching a little too much tv and not necessarily getting all that much work done. I will tell you though, I've watched Stand by Me and Shawshank Redemption now at least twice. I have never been a huge horror fan, I think it's overrated. I guess it was the time working with the fellows from Goatman Hollow guys and gals, that a lot of it is fun to watch but if you get knee deep into the story all you're going to end up doing is scaring yourself.
I will say something though, Stephen King....he's got a sense of imagination that he can create entire worlds in 100 pages. Both Stand by Me and Shawshank came out of a set of novellas called Different Seasons. While there were two other stories in the set of novellas, I've got to admit these stories stuck with me the most.
Stand is and probably will always stand in my mind because of River Phoenix. He played Chris Chambers, a kid lost in the world where a few too many people know him. On a journey with his closest friends to see a dead body, his turmoil was a visualization of what everyone that grew up in the late 80's and into the early 90s had seen. The aggravation of people knowing a little too much, and finally coming into your own despite what initial impressions people have. It's a movie that I can't stop watching whether it's on at 4 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning.
Shawshank is an entirely different situation. Andy Dufrene spent his entire time looking to crack the system from the inside out. To work the system that let him down. It's an interesting dynamic when you think that my life has kind of been like that. I get so disappointed with doctors, dynamics, and more stupid politics than I can even shake a stick at...I've got to say that his big F u to the world at the end of the movie always makes my night.

Forever yours-

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Stuck in a rut


You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.

I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.

When you look at the reality of the situation, my's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.

Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.

Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-