Friday, November 18, 2011

It's been 2 weeks


So, it's been close to two weeks that I have been in Texas and while I have been thinking about being with P and being a good wife, blah blah's hard to forget that the stuff back in Bmore is still up in the air and that paper just isn't quitting. It's been interesting, as much as things change everything stays the same. I don't think that I will be able to handle it so much with P being gone all the time. I feel like we're still separated for a certain amount of time during the week. It's a good thing, I've got to get work done, he's got to get work done by damn the weekends just aren't enough. He comes home and doesn't want to hang out with me. I spend all day at home and that's all I want to do.

What a disconnect. It will work itself out. Thanksgiving is coming and we have a 5 day weekend. It should be worth it.

Friday, September 30, 2011

I have missed it...


I think the worst of all this. The three plus years of the pain that I truly feel when I sit down and watch a movie and he's not here. That I feel like every time I talk to much, or say too little, I'm being punished for being away from him and that everything is my fault and I just have nothing to show for all this pain, aggravation, and frustration but a room in my parents house, a paper that contributes to a lot of work, and a piece of paper to hang on a wall in a place that I don't know if I want to go, or have any interest in being at when I'm there.

The one thing that has me looking up? The weather. Perhaps it's just that it has rained for close to a month here. Perhaps it's just the stress, or the crazy wonderful schmultzy movie that I watched tonight. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of trying to live up to these crazy weird expectations that people have of how you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to it.

Here's the reality of the situation. I don't like some of my family. I don't like being put on this ideal of what I should or shouldn't be. I miss being able to be me. I am so tired of being labeled this crazy like. I am so tired of being told how to be instead of people just enjoying what I am.


Perhaps I'm just tired.

Much love and forever yours,

Saturday, September 3, 2011

As hard as it is to say Alice, I'm done


It's been distrustful, hurtful, and upsetting. It's been heartwreching, full of heartache, and aggravating. I think for the 1st time in my scientific career, I'm ready to be done.

I'm done with playing by the rules. I'm normally very good at it. I follow the rules no harm no foul. Even if I don't agree with it.

I'm over it. I don't abide by rules so often in other facets of my life, why should work be any different? I mean cmon now, me and P have been in and out of each other's existences now for close to 3 years (if not more) and now we're talking about jobs, kids, moves, like we live in the same place. We don't! We live in 2 different locales, and while that is as difficult as it was when he first left, the end is in sight.

With work, the end is in sight. The 2 weeks notice is close. SUPER close.  Now it's just a matter of following through. Being the one that can stand tall and say, NO. It's over. For real.

Let's see if I can pull this off!
Yours forever,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

We don't talk enough...

Yes Alice, criticize complicate and be upset with me.

My writing has been sparse as of late largely because there hasn't been much to say. Me and P are still separated despite the fact that he's driving me insane with his inane comments about the move.  I guess this is just one of many lessons that needs to be learned in the art of marriage.

My instrument is back up at work. I hate to speak of it too much because I worry that I might jinx it. Yes, I'm even at work on this delightfully sunny Sunday because well...although the Lord did rest on this day he was just creating a universe, not trying to finish a PhD.
It's odd, I tell people I want to hang out, see people, but I haven't heard a peep from anyone. I think it's because people get busy with their own lives and assume that I'm just as busy. And while I's hard to be alone so much. I think so often people take for granted that they have a husband that lives in state to fight with. I think sometimes I head towards my friends that are military brats, that in my mind...know.

It's an interesting dynamic. I have been on this website too for my leg? AVM Survivors, while worthwhile has been both a source of anger and frustration and relief to me. You know when I was diagnosed I was so young, we had no idea. things are so different and the technology is advanced I feel like if I don't tell people what happened to me, they will be forced to deal with the same troubles and hardships. I don't quite know if I'm okay with that. I struggle with perception of how my leg is, but then on the flipside deny it so often.  I know it's what pushes me to work so hard, to try and do so much.

Some days I just wanna quit. Sleep some more. What am I talking about somedays? everyday.

Forever your servant-

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Austin: Day 1

I've got to tell you when we originally decided that I was going to come down to TX with P, it was such a feeling of chaos and craziness that I didn't know what to do. I even told Ma the other day about how nervous that I was...that I would network my socks off and still not find a job, that it'd be far far away, etc. etc.

I spent today wondering down the famous 6th Street in Austin today. It was nice, peaceful. When I was interviewing  down in FL I said that I wanted to at least have Smoothie King, Chickfila, and a mall nearby.

I found a Jamba Juice, which is close, and it was so nice that it was walkable. 80 degrees with no humidity man. Beautiful.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

No ideas

I can't tell you, it's never been this bad since P left and I kept writing you those sad and pathetic love stories of how I missed my love so badly that I ached inside. I'm so lost. I've spent so long working on my research, so long trying to get there to have this happen, now? I'm so close I can taste it, and all I can do now is cry. Just cry and cry that I've given up so much to have it blow up in my face like this.

A couple things have happened. My pump has been down for close to 2 months now. I'm convinced that it's that the instrumentation is old, but my boss would say I'm not a qualified analytical chemist, so who knows.  I think I made a mistake, and my column was exposed to water for a while. Not a long while, probably a minute.  Now I don't quite know what to do because things are just crazy and now nothing works.
Which, while this should be disconcerting to me, it's more upsetting that no one talks to me about it, and all I feel like I can do is complain. Complain, whine, and cry. Complain complain complain you get results.

What the F*CYIW* is that all about????? It doesn't make sense that someone has decided that the way to prioritize their work life is to listen to moan and groan and complain about stuff. *sigh* Ah well.

It's hard, because my whole world revolves around this work. If I hear, "It's not personal" again I might hurt myself.  I'm angry now, like really angry. And to be honest, all I wanna do is cry. 

I just don't understand a lot.  I mean, I had a procedure last week Alice. A procedure for the 1st time in close to 4 years. I was back at work at 6 am on Monday. I worked the entire day. I left at 4, and felt guilty about it! I need help. I need it badly, and I'm trying my best not to freak out. I had that surgery, you remember how bad that was Alice? After freaking out because I couldn't "bring" myself to walk away from organic chemistry.  I find myself dealing with things in a similar way here and his ambivalence is very frustrating.

I'm at a loss and the only thing that I can say is that I appreciate that you've read so far.

Much love your endeared servant-

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Stephen King

While I've been sitting here convalescing, I've been watching a little too much tv and not necessarily getting all that much work done. I will tell you though, I've watched Stand by Me and Shawshank Redemption now at least twice. I have never been a huge horror fan, I think it's overrated. I guess it was the time working with the fellows from Goatman Hollow guys and gals, that a lot of it is fun to watch but if you get knee deep into the story all you're going to end up doing is scaring yourself.
I will say something though, Stephen King....he's got a sense of imagination that he can create entire worlds in 100 pages. Both Stand by Me and Shawshank came out of a set of novellas called Different Seasons. While there were two other stories in the set of novellas, I've got to admit these stories stuck with me the most.
Stand is and probably will always stand in my mind because of River Phoenix. He played Chris Chambers, a kid lost in the world where a few too many people know him. On a journey with his closest friends to see a dead body, his turmoil was a visualization of what everyone that grew up in the late 80's and into the early 90s had seen. The aggravation of people knowing a little too much, and finally coming into your own despite what initial impressions people have. It's a movie that I can't stop watching whether it's on at 4 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning.
Shawshank is an entirely different situation. Andy Dufrene spent his entire time looking to crack the system from the inside out. To work the system that let him down. It's an interesting dynamic when you think that my life has kind of been like that. I get so disappointed with doctors, dynamics, and more stupid politics than I can even shake a stick at...I've got to say that his big F u to the world at the end of the movie always makes my night.

Forever yours-

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Stuck in a rut


You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.

I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.

When you look at the reality of the situation, my's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.

Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.

Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-