Sunday, November 3, 2013

A thought

You know I sit in bed a lot. Like...a lot. At first, I thought that I was depressed because I had moved away from my family and everything I know. Then, I thought it was because of my nearly constant leg pain. Did I ever tell you about that?  It is something that I've dealt with so long. It's something that makes it hard to work, hard to commute, hard to live. It makes it hard for me to understand people, hard for people to understand me.  It wasn't always like this. Like I used to try so hard at work. It was something that was so important to me. Something so necessary.  Now, I just haven't.  At first I was mad for what happened this summer, for the pain of betrayal that I felt.   Then, I thought I  felt like I had been centered upon, the next person to make feel bad.

Well, I'm over it.  They can try and make me feel bad. Frankly, they might even accomplish it. They can compare me to my younger counterparts, and you know what I might not come out on top. That's ok.  It happens at work, it happens at home.

That's life.  I'm kind of done.  My leg has always given me this push. Just do your best. Somedays, you're not going to be able to do your best. Sometimes you'll only be sub-par. I'm going to call that October.   I'm through. My circumstances being what they are, I can't change my stars quite yet. It doesn't mean I can't work on it. It just means I can't change my stars quite yet.

We're in the works though. Changing the stars is definitely in the works, and I have hope. I'll walk in with a better attitude, with a sentimental happiness that I have once missed.

Missing you more than anything-

Friday, November 1, 2013

NaBloPoMo Post 1: A time lost...

You know we've been here now for a little longer than two years.  It's so different, and while I miss Maryland terribly, me and P have started our lives here and things are ok.  Some good, some bad. I still have the constant need to judge, interrogate, and aggravate myself into a frenzy and it just ends up being so bad. That's what happened today, is that it ended up so poorly after talking not only to my boss but my big boss at that. I don't quite know what to do.

I need to calm down, everyone says so. So, I'm hopeful that I will be able to write everyday you'll be able to understand that feeling of need. That sense of urgency that I sometimes feel when I know people are looking down on me, because I can't quite figure out if I'm looking down on myself.  On the homefront, P and me are starting to finally think about starting a family. Yay! What complications that we have passed for so long, and now that we are starting to not only think about adoption and surrogacy. who would know such emotions that would be a part of my life at that point.  You ask the people that are close to you in your life, and even though you sparingly tell yourself that you are ok with the word no.  You never are.  It's as if the caterpillar is playing with our emotions one more time.  After spending so much time trying to tell people that I don't have an ego, that I don't have a sense to want to conflict with people, so often I'm finding out that I do want to argue with people at times, and the emotion is huge.  I have yet to figure out how to control my emotions, and that after 37 years is SO frustrating.

Alice I'm hopeful this month you can help me figure out how to re-gain some control of my emotions. Perhaps if I write more down, how sad it makes me to think I'm being centered out and made to feel like a moron because I'm disabled, etc.'ll only help. It will no longer harm.

So Alice, welcome to National Blog Posting Month.

It's time.

Friday, November 18, 2011

It's been 2 weeks


So, it's been close to two weeks that I have been in Texas and while I have been thinking about being with P and being a good wife, blah blah's hard to forget that the stuff back in Bmore is still up in the air and that paper just isn't quitting. It's been interesting, as much as things change everything stays the same. I don't think that I will be able to handle it so much with P being gone all the time. I feel like we're still separated for a certain amount of time during the week. It's a good thing, I've got to get work done, he's got to get work done by damn the weekends just aren't enough. He comes home and doesn't want to hang out with me. I spend all day at home and that's all I want to do.

What a disconnect. It will work itself out. Thanksgiving is coming and we have a 5 day weekend. It should be worth it.

Friday, September 30, 2011

I have missed it...


I think the worst of all this. The three plus years of the pain that I truly feel when I sit down and watch a movie and he's not here. That I feel like every time I talk to much, or say too little, I'm being punished for being away from him and that everything is my fault and I just have nothing to show for all this pain, aggravation, and frustration but a room in my parents house, a paper that contributes to a lot of work, and a piece of paper to hang on a wall in a place that I don't know if I want to go, or have any interest in being at when I'm there.

The one thing that has me looking up? The weather. Perhaps it's just that it has rained for close to a month here. Perhaps it's just the stress, or the crazy wonderful schmultzy movie that I watched tonight. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of trying to live up to these crazy weird expectations that people have of how you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to it.

Here's the reality of the situation. I don't like some of my family. I don't like being put on this ideal of what I should or shouldn't be. I miss being able to be me. I am so tired of being labeled this crazy like. I am so tired of being told how to be instead of people just enjoying what I am.


Perhaps I'm just tired.

Much love and forever yours,

Saturday, September 3, 2011

As hard as it is to say Alice, I'm done


It's been distrustful, hurtful, and upsetting. It's been heartwreching, full of heartache, and aggravating. I think for the 1st time in my scientific career, I'm ready to be done.

I'm done with playing by the rules. I'm normally very good at it. I follow the rules no harm no foul. Even if I don't agree with it.

I'm over it. I don't abide by rules so often in other facets of my life, why should work be any different? I mean cmon now, me and P have been in and out of each other's existences now for close to 3 years (if not more) and now we're talking about jobs, kids, moves, like we live in the same place. We don't! We live in 2 different locales, and while that is as difficult as it was when he first left, the end is in sight.

With work, the end is in sight. The 2 weeks notice is close. SUPER close.  Now it's just a matter of following through. Being the one that can stand tall and say, NO. It's over. For real.

Let's see if I can pull this off!
Yours forever,

Sunday, June 12, 2011

We don't talk enough...

Yes Alice, criticize complicate and be upset with me.

My writing has been sparse as of late largely because there hasn't been much to say. Me and P are still separated despite the fact that he's driving me insane with his inane comments about the move.  I guess this is just one of many lessons that needs to be learned in the art of marriage.

My instrument is back up at work. I hate to speak of it too much because I worry that I might jinx it. Yes, I'm even at work on this delightfully sunny Sunday because well...although the Lord did rest on this day he was just creating a universe, not trying to finish a PhD.
It's odd, I tell people I want to hang out, see people, but I haven't heard a peep from anyone. I think it's because people get busy with their own lives and assume that I'm just as busy. And while I's hard to be alone so much. I think so often people take for granted that they have a husband that lives in state to fight with. I think sometimes I head towards my friends that are military brats, that in my mind...know.

It's an interesting dynamic. I have been on this website too for my leg? AVM Survivors, while worthwhile has been both a source of anger and frustration and relief to me. You know when I was diagnosed I was so young, we had no idea. things are so different and the technology is advanced I feel like if I don't tell people what happened to me, they will be forced to deal with the same troubles and hardships. I don't quite know if I'm okay with that. I struggle with perception of how my leg is, but then on the flipside deny it so often.  I know it's what pushes me to work so hard, to try and do so much.

Some days I just wanna quit. Sleep some more. What am I talking about somedays? everyday.

Forever your servant-

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Austin: Day 1

I've got to tell you when we originally decided that I was going to come down to TX with P, it was such a feeling of chaos and craziness that I didn't know what to do. I even told Ma the other day about how nervous that I was...that I would network my socks off and still not find a job, that it'd be far far away, etc. etc.

I spent today wondering down the famous 6th Street in Austin today. It was nice, peaceful. When I was interviewing  down in FL I said that I wanted to at least have Smoothie King, Chickfila, and a mall nearby.

I found a Jamba Juice, which is close, and it was so nice that it was walkable. 80 degrees with no humidity man. Beautiful.