Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Passionate Outspoken Patient Goes Wrong


It's so weird, I've gotten to the point now with all this health mess, that well....I'm at a loss.

I told you that I had been going to that plastic surgeon. No...not for that, don't think that...it's for the wounds on my toes that developed shortly after my physical therapy started. It's so disheartening because it was the thing that stopped me from being active, or as active as I can be. It's hard to even think about, because it was the 1st time I had been told to stop something...and I actually did it. I guess the idea of an artery or vein being opened up to the skin kind of scared me.

It's the toxicologist in me, I'm worried about infection. So.....Dr. V recommended this plastic surgeon. He's a real in your face type guy. Dr. Luethke. Now, let it be said here...he's a decent guy. His intentions are in the right place. He was trying to get me through some of the bullshit. I get that. But, with a certain amount of gestures, it gets to the point that it gets well...weird. He initially started talking about a doctor in Colorado. I very gently in the beginning said, "You know, I am a graduate student, I'm on an extremely limited budget, I'm doing my best as it relates to my health, but at this point I'm not ready and thereby I'm not going to Colorado." He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. The next time, he mentions it again. And again, and again. I finally raised my voice at him and said, "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing that you can say that will push me to get me out to Colorado anytime soon."

Here's the thing. I understand that it's one time or another, I get that. I get that his intentions were in the right place, but he was convinced that he knew more than I did. Now, I recognize that you're probably thinking that I threw the bitch on and called it a day. But, it wasn't that. I have very definitive feelings about quality of life. I'm not a brilliant student by any means, but I'm not a moron either. It was frustrating and hard to handle because I'm sure that all he was thinking was that I didn't wanna have another procedure. Lemme tell you, you know this...I've had these procedures for years. I'm not scared of it, I'm ready for it! It was a hard thing that Dr. Malloy left. I was so unhappy having to actually drive up to Connecticut just to find out that he couldn't treat me anymore.

I was at a loss. I didn't know where to go. But let me tell you this. No crazy doctor is going to tell me how to do my own treatment my own life. It's crazy like.

As always, forever yours-

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A never ending story of fiestiness and aggravation...


Ever so often I'm reminded of the Billy Currington song, "People are Crazy". I went out with some girlfriends last night, one of which went to Penn State. Now, at least around here...Penn Staters are funny. They are a good rowdy bunch with one sport on their mind: football. While I can appreciate your enthusiasm not only for your alma mater, but for your sport, what I don't appreciate and don't like is when someone will get in your face about it.

For crying freaking out loud, it's sports. So, this guy gets in my face last night telling me that Joe P has the best winning percentage in football. Now, I wasn't quite certain of this, and told him so. It's so easy to have blinders on when your school was at a time good at something and now well, let's be honest....isn't. While my aggravation for you not withstanding, I get overwhelmed when people try and be the "man" in a conversation when you're out to happy hour with a table full of women. Women that are interested in sports, at that.

I don't let it bother me till he started criticizing MD. Now, we're not the best school in the land by far, but we're a good school. Fun, athletic, good division I school. Top ranked in mens and women's basketball, lacrosse, soccer, field hockey...I could go on. We are however, even with recent advancements made by our new young quarterback, a sucky, at best football school. But, it's the ACC for you...if you're not VA Tech, Miami, or Florida State...don't bother. But alas, I digress. It's interesting where these types of situations get you. It wasn't even the topic that bothered me...it was how the guy was speaking to me.

Don't get in my face. You'll lose every time. The hubby even said it the other day about how I shut down when people raise their voice at me. The reality is that I know I do it, and I don't care. I don't care that you're "saying" that you're willing to listen, you're not listening, you're shouting. I'm firmly convinced when people shout they're just spending time formulating their argument and not listening to you.

So, with that being said, this is all I've got. This guy was a waste of space. It goes back to the argument that you can be intelligent as hell and dumb as a doornail. Found on facebook that he's single. Wow, that's a big duh on that end. I wanted to be vicious, but you would have been proud to a certain extent I held my cool. I didn't say that because he had a hard on for Joe P that he had blinders on. I didn't say that it was harder than hell to prevent myself from blasting the fact that Penn State is a one sport school. Or in the middle of po-dunk no where.

As I'm preparing myself to leave this lovely little hallow we call MD, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not always right. I did however call the hubby when I got home, looked up the statistics that the little pissant was bitching about, and figured out I was right.

That part felt good. What worries me is that it still upsets me.

Ah well-
I remain faithfully yours in confusion-

Monday, November 22, 2010

Let's talk a little bit about the TSA...

Hey Alice-

So, I've got to admit there's a recent issue that's got a flame up my butt so here I am scribbling frantically to you in the hopes that someone will understand. So, on the news, everywhere you can see there's this "national opt out day" going on for the WORST travel day of the year, the day before Thanksgiving. While I can understand why people are upset about the new screening machines, it's like porn on wheels here's my thing.

I'll take someone looking at my junk to either being delayed or worse, being pulled out of the air mid-air...anytime of the week and twice on Sundays. I think because hubby is over in Chicago...I feel like I travel a lot. I deal with a lot of bs, I'll admit that. But cmon. I will take a bit of inconvenience, to not have to remember 9/11/2001. I will never ever forget sitting there freaking out, worried about my family, what was going to happen next, I could go on and on.

I think it's crazy when you start thinking about it. It's like not even worth worrying about it.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Careful calculations and rich traditions...


I lost someone very special to my childhood this week and I've got to tell you it has me reverting back to things I hold true. Harry Potter, Twilight, and my husband. It has pained me terribly to know that Mrs. B has left us, but in the end....perhaps it's weird that I say something like that, but I think for me...I always knew to escape into books.

She gave that to me. When she used to baby sit me and K when we were kids, in "library" class in school, it was about escaping into these outlandish characters that you can only get in books, movies, and music. A weird dynamic I'm sure. I've got to tell you it was a real hard decision to whether or not I would go to the funeral.

It was weird. I ended up not going to funeral's before for work, for other reasons, but it just felt right not going this time. I think Mrs. B would have never wanted us to dwell on the hardships and sadness of her passing that she would have wanted us to thrive, prosper, and remember.

It's time to remember the good, not suffer through the sad, and continue to live the way she wanted us to, caring, understanding, and worthwhile.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

It's been too long..


My apologizes for my lack of contact as of recent, it's been a terribly long week and things have been very busy. Hubby went back to Chicago after the holiday weekend, and although the rally was supposed to be more about being moderate that turned out to be a big ol' let's try and be temperate and slow things down in DC to a freakin' halt!

I spent this past week working hard and hardly paying attention to life. This talk was enough to want to hurt someone severely. The man that I work with...I'm sure that I've told you about the selfish, egotistical, hypocritical, chauvanist....he's almost done with his PhD, which I think is horrible, but that's besides the point. So, I was working away all week and I take a face plant on my way into work Tuesday.

So, I have to drop off hubby Monday morning, 6:30 mind you, park the car, forget to put the thingy up, get a ticket...after working for 12+ hours, and this jerk is more important than my work??? It's hard to believe. If I've ever felt neglected, now is the time. So...I get in, having skinned up my good knee, and totalled my toes again. I was doing okay, worked hard, and then went out for election day. I've got to tell you, I had such high spirits for Mom, all the news reports figured we were a shoe in this year. Little did I know that Howard County would hold out this year. It was disappointing, sad, and confusing...but perhaps the hardest thing of all this year was how hard Mom took it.

She's always been so strong in my eyes, someone that would show vulnerable when necessary, but did her best for her girls. Worked hard, keep things honest, straightforward, and it is supposed to work out for you. That's how it was supposed to be. This year, it just wasn't the case. It makes me so sad to see her so upset. I think this may be a good thing for her, a new direction; but I hate to see her in so much pain. It's one of those things where you just wish...you know I just wish sooner rather than later I just wish...

...I know that in my heart of hearts I'll never be able to repay the countless hours, days, weeks, years she gave me. I'll never be able to walk into her arms with a baby of my own and say more than anything...thank you. Thank you for the work, the heartache, the pain that you endured for me to make me the woman that I am. I'll never ever be able to give her back the time that she could have been working hard and saving, she was in the hospital with me. I can't give that back, but all I can do is work as hard as I possibly can to give it all back to her.

I just wish sometimes that life would work quicker than it is.

Forever your servant-

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What a nice evening...


It's such a rare occasion that despite being as tired as I am...I had to write to tell you what a nice evening that I had. Mama came up and started yammering on about the wedding, and rambling on and I've got to tell you that it was just so nice. It was so nice to make sure that we got a real chance to talk...without the grandkids, without the sister, just us. It was so peaceful, I think I get a lot of my traits from her.

I sat and talked to her extensively about what happened with her sister, and it was so interesting how she went through things. You wanna know why? She understood. You know she's one of those that will call you on your faults, but will also celebrate your triumphs right? Well, this was one of those things that she said, I hear ya. She like knew. She told me Daddy still hasn't gotten past it. I hung out with her sister the other day...and I've got to tell you I was feeling super uneasy about it and what I think it is...I don't want to hang out with her anymore. I don't want to be around her. Not unlike her daughter, I love her...I really honestly do...but if given the opportunity, after all that bullshit she pulled I'm not quite interesting in spending time with her. I was telling Ma about how guilty I was feeling, it was so nice to hear someone say...it was ok. It was okay to not be over it, it was okay to be thinking and feeling the way that I am.

It's nice to feel peaceful. It's nice to be re-iterated that it's ok. That it's okay to be a true person. To be real. I think Ma has finally gotten around to realizing that I'm a decent person, and that SHE'S the cause of it. That she did a fantastic job.

*sigh* I'm very blessed. I'm blessed to have you, my friends, and especially my family.

For your eternal buddy and friend,
Much love-

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Celebrating Another Year

So it's been another year, and while I realize that these letters often overlap, I find it harder and harder sometimes to not write you when things are so up in the air like this.

To say that I'm another year older is both a triumph and a curse. I figured that once I got married, I'd be having kids almost right away. Now I feel this terrible sense of urgency and there's not much that I can do now that I'm knee deep in this PhD except sit here and wait. Not that I understand fully why women throw themselves into the surge of pregnancy and all the crazy crap it does to the body...but hey. It's funny, when you're not married, all you want to be is married, when you're married all you're thinking about is having kids, and when you have kids all you think about is getting them out of the house.

If that's not a double edged sword I don't really know what is. But, hubby came back down and hung out for a whole week. The saga of us going to Connecticut happened, but at least we got a chance to see one another for longer than 2 days. We fell right back into the same routine we always had, we fought, we kissed, it was like actually being married. Isn't that weird that I can say that??? It feels like that sometimes, that I'm not married. Like people ask me that all the time, "how's married life treating you?" I don't have the heart to say the truth.

I wouldn't know.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A letter of...confusion

Dear Alice-

So, your other letter from yesterday regarding my trip to Connecticut was confusing. Haven't I told you all the story of my diagnosis? How it has been so long with so few answers? Of all the prosecution I got when I was in elementary/middle/high school? I haven't??? Honestly? Seems weird. Okay, it's probably good that I write this down for someone so here goes.

I was a pretty active kid, still as dramatic as I am now, but it was more relevant then because I was so desperately trying to keep up it wasn't even funny. By the time I was eight, I had tried some sports, swam a lot, liked being outside, you know the drill. However, that summer my ma, you know ma....she noticed that I had a sore on my leg and it wouldn't go away. That was the beginning of the end as far as I remember it. Why do you ask?

That's when what I call the parade of doctors began. I guess see, when you have a diagnosis like I do, it's an anomaly. It's a curiousity. Something interesting to look at, something interesting to teach, and something interesting to treat. Looking back on it now as a scientist, I wish they would have given me credit for all those papers, I mean think about how large my CV would be now! No worries...ever!!! With that being said, I went from Georgetown to Hopkins, back to Georgetown, back to DC, it was like a never ending circle. I'd like to say that ma and I got close back then, but close was a guarded thing for a mom like mine. You know how she is, it's always been like that, holding things in not saying stuff. But, like I said, with that being said, I don't quite know if I could have handled that anyway.

Well, things progressed I got worse, I got better, I got worse I got better, and now...now...now that things are FINALLY going good, I start getting worse again. I mean cmon!! I had been working so hard in physical therapy, you remember me SWEARING you to secrecy about that...I was SOO close. I had the hands free crutch oh man it was so cool you had to have seen it. There wasn't a dry eye in the place A when I was walking down the aisle! I missed you terribly, and had a tear in my eye because I wanted you there so bad. I understand family, and I feel bad that S's brother is sick...I hope things turn out okay there. You really should have seen it. I was well on my way to the orthotic, the money...or lack there of hit and well, here we are. The sores hit too. I told you about that crazy doctor, I know I did. What a wacko. The only reason why I continue to see him is because I firmly believe that he might be the end of the road.

So, now the recoup process starts. The ending of this graduate school career (can't say that isn't coming soon enough) and trying to come to terms with doing half-ass science, as well as removing in with the hubby, and recovering, for real this time. That was what Connecticut was supposed to be about. Too bad. It was too bad that doctors get caught up in the crazy BS that the rest of us do in our daily lives. I wish medicine wasn't such a business, but I don't like health care reform either, but if you think this letter is bad girl I could go on and on and on when it comes to that stuff. The long of the short is that the doctor is moving again, as if moving to Connecticut wasn't bad enough, now he's moving to NYC. I stared him straight in the eye and was like, "Okay when do we leave?" I'm tired of taking no for an answer, but there's such a fine line between that and being totalled and schlepping all through the country to hear it. It's not worth it, regardless of what hubby says or not. He's like..."Well, it'll be good when we move." That's crap. I'm coming back here for work when we move. Period.

*ugh* Too much time, too much to tell.

Till then,
I remain your faithful servant-