Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What a nice evening...


It's such a rare occasion that despite being as tired as I am...I had to write to tell you what a nice evening that I had. Mama came up and started yammering on about the wedding, and rambling on and I've got to tell you that it was just so nice. It was so nice to make sure that we got a real chance to talk...without the grandkids, without the sister, just us. It was so peaceful, I think I get a lot of my traits from her.

I sat and talked to her extensively about what happened with her sister, and it was so interesting how she went through things. You wanna know why? She understood. You know she's one of those that will call you on your faults, but will also celebrate your triumphs right? Well, this was one of those things that she said, I hear ya. She like knew. She told me Daddy still hasn't gotten past it. I hung out with her sister the other day...and I've got to tell you I was feeling super uneasy about it and what I think it is...I don't want to hang out with her anymore. I don't want to be around her. Not unlike her daughter, I love her...I really honestly do...but if given the opportunity, after all that bullshit she pulled I'm not quite interesting in spending time with her. I was telling Ma about how guilty I was feeling, it was so nice to hear someone say...it was ok. It was okay to not be over it, it was okay to be thinking and feeling the way that I am.

It's nice to feel peaceful. It's nice to be re-iterated that it's ok. That it's okay to be a true person. To be real. I think Ma has finally gotten around to realizing that I'm a decent person, and that SHE'S the cause of it. That she did a fantastic job.

*sigh* I'm very blessed. I'm blessed to have you, my friends, and especially my family.

For your eternal buddy and friend,
Much love-

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Celebrating Another Year

So it's been another year, and while I realize that these letters often overlap, I find it harder and harder sometimes to not write you when things are so up in the air like this.

To say that I'm another year older is both a triumph and a curse. I figured that once I got married, I'd be having kids almost right away. Now I feel this terrible sense of urgency and there's not much that I can do now that I'm knee deep in this PhD except sit here and wait. Not that I understand fully why women throw themselves into the surge of pregnancy and all the crazy crap it does to the body...but hey. It's funny, when you're not married, all you want to be is married, when you're married all you're thinking about is having kids, and when you have kids all you think about is getting them out of the house.

If that's not a double edged sword I don't really know what is. But, hubby came back down and hung out for a whole week. The saga of us going to Connecticut happened, but at least we got a chance to see one another for longer than 2 days. We fell right back into the same routine we always had, we fought, we kissed, it was like actually being married. Isn't that weird that I can say that??? It feels like that sometimes, that I'm not married. Like people ask me that all the time, "how's married life treating you?" I don't have the heart to say the truth.

I wouldn't know.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A letter of...confusion

Dear Alice-

So, your other letter from yesterday regarding my trip to Connecticut was confusing. Haven't I told you all the story of my diagnosis? How it has been so long with so few answers? Of all the prosecution I got when I was in elementary/middle/high school? I haven't??? Honestly? Seems weird. Okay, it's probably good that I write this down for someone so here goes.

I was a pretty active kid, still as dramatic as I am now, but it was more relevant then because I was so desperately trying to keep up it wasn't even funny. By the time I was eight, I had tried some sports, swam a lot, liked being outside, you know the drill. However, that summer my ma, you know ma....she noticed that I had a sore on my leg and it wouldn't go away. That was the beginning of the end as far as I remember it. Why do you ask?

That's when what I call the parade of doctors began. I guess see, when you have a diagnosis like I do, it's an anomaly. It's a curiousity. Something interesting to look at, something interesting to teach, and something interesting to treat. Looking back on it now as a scientist, I wish they would have given me credit for all those papers, I mean think about how large my CV would be now! No worries...ever!!! With that being said, I went from Georgetown to Hopkins, back to Georgetown, back to DC, it was like a never ending circle. I'd like to say that ma and I got close back then, but close was a guarded thing for a mom like mine. You know how she is, it's always been like that, holding things in not saying stuff. But, like I said, with that being said, I don't quite know if I could have handled that anyway.

Well, things progressed I got worse, I got better, I got worse I got better, and now...now...now that things are FINALLY going good, I start getting worse again. I mean cmon!! I had been working so hard in physical therapy, you remember me SWEARING you to secrecy about that...I was SOO close. I had the hands free crutch oh man it was so cool you had to have seen it. There wasn't a dry eye in the place A when I was walking down the aisle! I missed you terribly, and had a tear in my eye because I wanted you there so bad. I understand family, and I feel bad that S's brother is sick...I hope things turn out okay there. You really should have seen it. I was well on my way to the orthotic, the money...or lack there of hit and well, here we are. The sores hit too. I told you about that crazy doctor, I know I did. What a wacko. The only reason why I continue to see him is because I firmly believe that he might be the end of the road.

So, now the recoup process starts. The ending of this graduate school career (can't say that isn't coming soon enough) and trying to come to terms with doing half-ass science, as well as removing in with the hubby, and recovering, for real this time. That was what Connecticut was supposed to be about. Too bad. It was too bad that doctors get caught up in the crazy BS that the rest of us do in our daily lives. I wish medicine wasn't such a business, but I don't like health care reform either, but if you think this letter is bad girl I could go on and on and on when it comes to that stuff. The long of the short is that the doctor is moving again, as if moving to Connecticut wasn't bad enough, now he's moving to NYC. I stared him straight in the eye and was like, "Okay when do we leave?" I'm tired of taking no for an answer, but there's such a fine line between that and being totalled and schlepping all through the country to hear it. It's not worth it, regardless of what hubby says or not. He's like..."Well, it'll be good when we move." That's crap. I'm coming back here for work when we move. Period.

*ugh* Too much time, too much to tell.

Till then,
I remain your faithful servant-