Friday, September 30, 2011

I have missed it...


I think the worst of all this. The three plus years of the pain that I truly feel when I sit down and watch a movie and he's not here. That I feel like every time I talk to much, or say too little, I'm being punished for being away from him and that everything is my fault and I just have nothing to show for all this pain, aggravation, and frustration but a room in my parents house, a paper that contributes to a lot of work, and a piece of paper to hang on a wall in a place that I don't know if I want to go, or have any interest in being at when I'm there.

The one thing that has me looking up? The weather. Perhaps it's just that it has rained for close to a month here. Perhaps it's just the stress, or the crazy wonderful schmultzy movie that I watched tonight. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of trying to live up to these crazy weird expectations that people have of how you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to it.

Here's the reality of the situation. I don't like some of my family. I don't like being put on this ideal of what I should or shouldn't be. I miss being able to be me. I am so tired of being labeled this crazy like. I am so tired of being told how to be instead of people just enjoying what I am.


Perhaps I'm just tired.

Much love and forever yours,

Saturday, September 3, 2011

As hard as it is to say Alice, I'm done


It's been distrustful, hurtful, and upsetting. It's been heartwreching, full of heartache, and aggravating. I think for the 1st time in my scientific career, I'm ready to be done.

I'm done with playing by the rules. I'm normally very good at it. I follow the rules no harm no foul. Even if I don't agree with it.

I'm over it. I don't abide by rules so often in other facets of my life, why should work be any different? I mean cmon now, me and P have been in and out of each other's existences now for close to 3 years (if not more) and now we're talking about jobs, kids, moves, like we live in the same place. We don't! We live in 2 different locales, and while that is as difficult as it was when he first left, the end is in sight.

With work, the end is in sight. The 2 weeks notice is close. SUPER close.  Now it's just a matter of following through. Being the one that can stand tall and say, NO. It's over. For real.

Let's see if I can pull this off!
Yours forever,