Sunday, November 3, 2013

A thought

You know I sit in bed a lot. Like...a lot. At first, I thought that I was depressed because I had moved away from my family and everything I know. Then, I thought it was because of my nearly constant leg pain. Did I ever tell you about that?  It is something that I've dealt with so long. It's something that makes it hard to work, hard to commute, hard to live. It makes it hard for me to understand people, hard for people to understand me.  It wasn't always like this. Like I used to try so hard at work. It was something that was so important to me. Something so necessary.  Now, I just haven't.  At first I was mad for what happened this summer, for the pain of betrayal that I felt.   Then, I thought I  felt like I had been centered upon, the next person to make feel bad.

Well, I'm over it.  They can try and make me feel bad. Frankly, they might even accomplish it. They can compare me to my younger counterparts, and you know what I might not come out on top. That's ok.  It happens at work, it happens at home.

That's life.  I'm kind of done.  My leg has always given me this push. Just do your best. Somedays, you're not going to be able to do your best. Sometimes you'll only be sub-par. I'm going to call that October.   I'm through. My circumstances being what they are, I can't change my stars quite yet. It doesn't mean I can't work on it. It just means I can't change my stars quite yet.

We're in the works though. Changing the stars is definitely in the works, and I have hope. I'll walk in with a better attitude, with a sentimental happiness that I have once missed.

Missing you more than anything-

Friday, November 1, 2013

NaBloPoMo Post 1: A time lost...

You know we've been here now for a little longer than two years.  It's so different, and while I miss Maryland terribly, me and P have started our lives here and things are ok.  Some good, some bad. I still have the constant need to judge, interrogate, and aggravate myself into a frenzy and it just ends up being so bad. That's what happened today, is that it ended up so poorly after talking not only to my boss but my big boss at that. I don't quite know what to do.

I need to calm down, everyone says so. So, I'm hopeful that I will be able to write everyday you'll be able to understand that feeling of need. That sense of urgency that I sometimes feel when I know people are looking down on me, because I can't quite figure out if I'm looking down on myself.  On the homefront, P and me are starting to finally think about starting a family. Yay! What complications that we have passed for so long, and now that we are starting to not only think about adoption and surrogacy. who would know such emotions that would be a part of my life at that point.  You ask the people that are close to you in your life, and even though you sparingly tell yourself that you are ok with the word no.  You never are.  It's as if the caterpillar is playing with our emotions one more time.  After spending so much time trying to tell people that I don't have an ego, that I don't have a sense to want to conflict with people, so often I'm finding out that I do want to argue with people at times, and the emotion is huge.  I have yet to figure out how to control my emotions, and that after 37 years is SO frustrating.

Alice I'm hopeful this month you can help me figure out how to re-gain some control of my emotions. Perhaps if I write more down, how sad it makes me to think I'm being centered out and made to feel like a moron because I'm disabled, etc.'ll only help. It will no longer harm.

So Alice, welcome to National Blog Posting Month.

It's time.