Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Stuck in a rut


You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.

I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.

When you look at the reality of the situation, my's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.

Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.

Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-

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