Alice-
I've got to tell you when we originally decided that I was going to come down to TX with P, it was such a feeling of chaos and craziness that I didn't know what to do. I even told Ma the other day about how nervous that I was...that I would network my socks off and still not find a job, that it'd be far far away, etc. etc.
I spent today wondering down the famous 6th Street in Austin today. It was nice, peaceful. When I was interviewing down in FL I said that I wanted to at least have Smoothie King, Chickfila, and a mall nearby.
I found a Jamba Juice, which is close, and it was so nice that it was walkable. 80 degrees with no humidity man. Beautiful.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
No ideas
Alice-
I can't tell you, it's never been this bad since P left and I kept writing you those sad and pathetic love stories of how I missed my love so badly that I ached inside. I'm so lost. I've spent so long working on my research, so long trying to get there to have this happen, now? I'm so close I can taste it, and all I can do now is cry. Just cry and cry that I've given up so much to have it blow up in my face like this.
A couple things have happened. My pump has been down for close to 2 months now. I'm convinced that it's that the instrumentation is old, but hey...as my boss would say I'm not a qualified analytical chemist, so who knows. I think I made a mistake, and my column was exposed to water for a while. Not a long while, probably a minute. Now I don't quite know what to do because things are just crazy and now nothing works.
Which, while this should be disconcerting to me, it's more upsetting that no one talks to me about it, and all I feel like I can do is complain. Complain, whine, and cry. Complain complain complain you get results.
What the F*CYIW* is that all about????? It doesn't make sense that someone has decided that the way to prioritize their work life is to listen to moan and groan and complain about stuff. *sigh* Ah well.
It's hard, because my whole world revolves around this work. If I hear, "It's not personal" again I might hurt myself. I'm angry now, like really angry. And to be honest, all I wanna do is cry.
I just don't understand a lot. I mean, I had a procedure last week Alice. A procedure for the 1st time in close to 4 years. I was back at work at 6 am on Monday. I worked the entire day. I left at 4, and felt guilty about it! I need help. I need it badly, and I'm trying my best not to freak out. I had that surgery, you remember how bad that was Alice? After freaking out because I couldn't "bring" myself to walk away from organic chemistry. I find myself dealing with things in a similar way here and his ambivalence is very frustrating.
I'm at a loss and the only thing that I can say is that I appreciate that you've read so far.
Much love your endeared servant-
M
I can't tell you, it's never been this bad since P left and I kept writing you those sad and pathetic love stories of how I missed my love so badly that I ached inside. I'm so lost. I've spent so long working on my research, so long trying to get there to have this happen, now? I'm so close I can taste it, and all I can do now is cry. Just cry and cry that I've given up so much to have it blow up in my face like this.
A couple things have happened. My pump has been down for close to 2 months now. I'm convinced that it's that the instrumentation is old, but hey...as my boss would say I'm not a qualified analytical chemist, so who knows. I think I made a mistake, and my column was exposed to water for a while. Not a long while, probably a minute. Now I don't quite know what to do because things are just crazy and now nothing works.
Which, while this should be disconcerting to me, it's more upsetting that no one talks to me about it, and all I feel like I can do is complain. Complain, whine, and cry. Complain complain complain you get results.
What the F*CYIW* is that all about????? It doesn't make sense that someone has decided that the way to prioritize their work life is to listen to moan and groan and complain about stuff. *sigh* Ah well.
It's hard, because my whole world revolves around this work. If I hear, "It's not personal" again I might hurt myself. I'm angry now, like really angry. And to be honest, all I wanna do is cry.
I just don't understand a lot. I mean, I had a procedure last week Alice. A procedure for the 1st time in close to 4 years. I was back at work at 6 am on Monday. I worked the entire day. I left at 4, and felt guilty about it! I need help. I need it badly, and I'm trying my best not to freak out. I had that surgery, you remember how bad that was Alice? After freaking out because I couldn't "bring" myself to walk away from organic chemistry. I find myself dealing with things in a similar way here and his ambivalence is very frustrating.
I'm at a loss and the only thing that I can say is that I appreciate that you've read so far.
Much love your endeared servant-
M
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Stephen King
Alice-
While I've been sitting here convalescing, I've been watching a little too much tv and not necessarily getting all that much work done. I will tell you though, I've watched Stand by Me and Shawshank Redemption now at least twice. I have never been a huge horror fan, I think it's overrated. I guess it was the time working with the fellows from Goatman Hollow guys and gals, that a lot of it is fun to watch but if you get knee deep into the story all you're going to end up doing is scaring yourself.
I will say something though, Stephen King....he's got a sense of imagination that he can create entire worlds in 100 pages. Both Stand by Me and Shawshank came out of a set of novellas called Different Seasons. While there were two other stories in the set of novellas, I've got to admit these stories stuck with me the most.
Stand is and probably will always stand in my mind because of River Phoenix. He played Chris Chambers, a kid lost in the world where a few too many people know him. On a journey with his closest friends to see a dead body, his turmoil was a visualization of what everyone that grew up in the late 80's and into the early 90s had seen. The aggravation of people knowing a little too much, and finally coming into your own despite what initial impressions people have. It's a movie that I can't stop watching whether it's on at 4 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning.
Shawshank is an entirely different situation. Andy Dufrene spent his entire time looking to crack the system from the inside out. To work the system that let him down. It's an interesting dynamic when you think that my life has kind of been like that. I get so disappointed with doctors, dynamics, and more stupid politics than I can even shake a stick at...I've got to say that his big F u to the world at the end of the movie always makes my night.
Forever yours-
M
While I've been sitting here convalescing, I've been watching a little too much tv and not necessarily getting all that much work done. I will tell you though, I've watched Stand by Me and Shawshank Redemption now at least twice. I have never been a huge horror fan, I think it's overrated. I guess it was the time working with the fellows from Goatman Hollow guys and gals, that a lot of it is fun to watch but if you get knee deep into the story all you're going to end up doing is scaring yourself.
I will say something though, Stephen King....he's got a sense of imagination that he can create entire worlds in 100 pages. Both Stand by Me and Shawshank came out of a set of novellas called Different Seasons. While there were two other stories in the set of novellas, I've got to admit these stories stuck with me the most.
Stand is and probably will always stand in my mind because of River Phoenix. He played Chris Chambers, a kid lost in the world where a few too many people know him. On a journey with his closest friends to see a dead body, his turmoil was a visualization of what everyone that grew up in the late 80's and into the early 90s had seen. The aggravation of people knowing a little too much, and finally coming into your own despite what initial impressions people have. It's a movie that I can't stop watching whether it's on at 4 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning.
Shawshank is an entirely different situation. Andy Dufrene spent his entire time looking to crack the system from the inside out. To work the system that let him down. It's an interesting dynamic when you think that my life has kind of been like that. I get so disappointed with doctors, dynamics, and more stupid politics than I can even shake a stick at...I've got to say that his big F u to the world at the end of the movie always makes my night.
Forever yours-
M
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Stuck in a rut
Alice-
You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.
I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.
When you look at the reality of the situation, my reality....it's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.
Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.
Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-
M
You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.
I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.
When you look at the reality of the situation, my reality....it's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.
Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.
Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-
M
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A Passionate Outspoken Patient Goes Wrong
Alice-
It's so weird, I've gotten to the point now with all this health mess, that well....I'm at a loss.
I told you that I had been going to that plastic surgeon. No...not for that, don't think that...it's for the wounds on my toes that developed shortly after my physical therapy started. It's so disheartening because it was the thing that stopped me from being active, or as active as I can be. It's hard to even think about, because it was the 1st time I had been told to stop something...and I actually did it. I guess the idea of an artery or vein being opened up to the skin kind of scared me.
It's the toxicologist in me, I'm worried about infection. So.....Dr. V recommended this plastic surgeon. He's a real in your face type guy. Dr. Luethke. Now, let it be said here...he's a decent guy. His intentions are in the right place. He was trying to get me through some of the bullshit. I get that. But, with a certain amount of gestures, it gets to the point that it gets well...weird. He initially started talking about a doctor in Colorado. I very gently in the beginning said, "You know, I am a graduate student, I'm on an extremely limited budget, I'm doing my best as it relates to my health, but at this point I'm not ready and thereby I'm not going to Colorado." He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. The next time, he mentions it again. And again, and again. I finally raised my voice at him and said, "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing that you can say that will push me to get me out to Colorado anytime soon."
Here's the thing. I understand that it's one time or another, I get that. I get that his intentions were in the right place, but he was convinced that he knew more than I did. Now, I recognize that you're probably thinking that I threw the bitch on and called it a day. But, it wasn't that. I have very definitive feelings about quality of life. I'm not a brilliant student by any means, but I'm not a moron either. It was frustrating and hard to handle because I'm sure that all he was thinking was that I didn't wanna have another procedure. Lemme tell you, you know this...I've had these procedures for years. I'm not scared of it, I'm ready for it! It was a hard thing that Dr. Malloy left. I was so unhappy having to actually drive up to Connecticut just to find out that he couldn't treat me anymore.
I was at a loss. I didn't know where to go. But let me tell you this. No crazy doctor is going to tell me how to do my own treatment my own life. It's crazy like.
As always, forever yours-
M
It's so weird, I've gotten to the point now with all this health mess, that well....I'm at a loss.
I told you that I had been going to that plastic surgeon. No...not for that, don't think that...it's for the wounds on my toes that developed shortly after my physical therapy started. It's so disheartening because it was the thing that stopped me from being active, or as active as I can be. It's hard to even think about, because it was the 1st time I had been told to stop something...and I actually did it. I guess the idea of an artery or vein being opened up to the skin kind of scared me.
It's the toxicologist in me, I'm worried about infection. So.....Dr. V recommended this plastic surgeon. He's a real in your face type guy. Dr. Luethke. Now, let it be said here...he's a decent guy. His intentions are in the right place. He was trying to get me through some of the bullshit. I get that. But, with a certain amount of gestures, it gets to the point that it gets well...weird. He initially started talking about a doctor in Colorado. I very gently in the beginning said, "You know, I am a graduate student, I'm on an extremely limited budget, I'm doing my best as it relates to my health, but at this point I'm not ready and thereby I'm not going to Colorado." He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. The next time, he mentions it again. And again, and again. I finally raised my voice at him and said, "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing that you can say that will push me to get me out to Colorado anytime soon."
Here's the thing. I understand that it's one time or another, I get that. I get that his intentions were in the right place, but he was convinced that he knew more than I did. Now, I recognize that you're probably thinking that I threw the bitch on and called it a day. But, it wasn't that. I have very definitive feelings about quality of life. I'm not a brilliant student by any means, but I'm not a moron either. It was frustrating and hard to handle because I'm sure that all he was thinking was that I didn't wanna have another procedure. Lemme tell you, you know this...I've had these procedures for years. I'm not scared of it, I'm ready for it! It was a hard thing that Dr. Malloy left. I was so unhappy having to actually drive up to Connecticut just to find out that he couldn't treat me anymore.
I was at a loss. I didn't know where to go. But let me tell you this. No crazy doctor is going to tell me how to do my own treatment my own life. It's crazy like.
As always, forever yours-
M
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A never ending story of fiestiness and aggravation...
Alice-
Ever so often I'm reminded of the Billy Currington song, "People are Crazy". I went out with some girlfriends last night, one of which went to Penn State. Now, at least around here...Penn Staters are funny. They are a good rowdy bunch with one sport on their mind: football. While I can appreciate your enthusiasm not only for your alma mater, but for your sport, what I don't appreciate and don't like is when someone will get in your face about it.
For crying freaking out loud, it's sports. So, this guy gets in my face last night telling me that Joe P has the best winning percentage in football. Now, I wasn't quite certain of this, and told him so. It's so easy to have blinders on when your school was at a time good at something and now well, let's be honest....isn't. While my aggravation for you not withstanding, I get overwhelmed when people try and be the "man" in a conversation when you're out to happy hour with a table full of women. Women that are interested in sports, at that.
I don't let it bother me till he started criticizing MD. Now, we're not the best school in the land by far, but we're a good school. Fun, athletic, good division I school. Top ranked in mens and women's basketball, lacrosse, soccer, field hockey...I could go on. We are however, even with recent advancements made by our new young quarterback, a sucky, at best football school. But, it's the ACC for you...if you're not VA Tech, Miami, or Florida State...don't bother. But alas, I digress. It's interesting where these types of situations get you. It wasn't even the topic that bothered me...it was how the guy was speaking to me.
Don't get in my face. You'll lose every time. The hubby even said it the other day about how I shut down when people raise their voice at me. The reality is that I know I do it, and I don't care. I don't care that you're "saying" that you're willing to listen, you're not listening, you're shouting. I'm firmly convinced when people shout they're just spending time formulating their argument and not listening to you.
So, with that being said, this is all I've got. This guy was a waste of space. It goes back to the argument that you can be intelligent as hell and dumb as a doornail. Found on facebook that he's single. Wow, that's a big duh on that end. I wanted to be vicious, but you would have been proud to a certain extent I held my cool. I didn't say that because he had a hard on for Joe P that he had blinders on. I didn't say that it was harder than hell to prevent myself from blasting the fact that Penn State is a one sport school. Or in the middle of po-dunk no where.
As I'm preparing myself to leave this lovely little hallow we call MD, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not always right. I did however call the hubby when I got home, looked up the statistics that the little pissant was bitching about, and figured out I was right.
That part felt good. What worries me is that it still upsets me.
Ah well-
I remain faithfully yours in confusion-
M
Ever so often I'm reminded of the Billy Currington song, "People are Crazy". I went out with some girlfriends last night, one of which went to Penn State. Now, at least around here...Penn Staters are funny. They are a good rowdy bunch with one sport on their mind: football. While I can appreciate your enthusiasm not only for your alma mater, but for your sport, what I don't appreciate and don't like is when someone will get in your face about it.
For crying freaking out loud, it's sports. So, this guy gets in my face last night telling me that Joe P has the best winning percentage in football. Now, I wasn't quite certain of this, and told him so. It's so easy to have blinders on when your school was at a time good at something and now well, let's be honest....isn't. While my aggravation for you not withstanding, I get overwhelmed when people try and be the "man" in a conversation when you're out to happy hour with a table full of women. Women that are interested in sports, at that.
I don't let it bother me till he started criticizing MD. Now, we're not the best school in the land by far, but we're a good school. Fun, athletic, good division I school. Top ranked in mens and women's basketball, lacrosse, soccer, field hockey...I could go on. We are however, even with recent advancements made by our new young quarterback, a sucky, at best football school. But, it's the ACC for you...if you're not VA Tech, Miami, or Florida State...don't bother. But alas, I digress. It's interesting where these types of situations get you. It wasn't even the topic that bothered me...it was how the guy was speaking to me.
Don't get in my face. You'll lose every time. The hubby even said it the other day about how I shut down when people raise their voice at me. The reality is that I know I do it, and I don't care. I don't care that you're "saying" that you're willing to listen, you're not listening, you're shouting. I'm firmly convinced when people shout they're just spending time formulating their argument and not listening to you.
So, with that being said, this is all I've got. This guy was a waste of space. It goes back to the argument that you can be intelligent as hell and dumb as a doornail. Found on facebook that he's single. Wow, that's a big duh on that end. I wanted to be vicious, but you would have been proud to a certain extent I held my cool. I didn't say that because he had a hard on for Joe P that he had blinders on. I didn't say that it was harder than hell to prevent myself from blasting the fact that Penn State is a one sport school. Or in the middle of po-dunk no where.
As I'm preparing myself to leave this lovely little hallow we call MD, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not always right. I did however call the hubby when I got home, looked up the statistics that the little pissant was bitching about, and figured out I was right.
That part felt good. What worries me is that it still upsets me.
Ah well-
I remain faithfully yours in confusion-
M
Monday, November 22, 2010
Let's talk a little bit about the TSA...
Hey Alice-
So, I've got to admit there's a recent issue that's got a flame up my butt so here I am scribbling frantically to you in the hopes that someone will understand. So, on the news, everywhere you can see there's this "national opt out day" going on for the WORST travel day of the year, the day before Thanksgiving. While I can understand why people are upset about the new screening machines, it's like porn on wheels here's my thing.
I'll take someone looking at my junk to either being delayed or worse, being pulled out of the air mid-air...anytime of the week and twice on Sundays. I think because hubby is over in Chicago...I feel like I travel a lot. I deal with a lot of bs, I'll admit that. But cmon. I will take a bit of inconvenience, to not have to remember 9/11/2001. I will never ever forget sitting there freaking out, worried about my family, what was going to happen next, I could go on and on.
I think it's crazy when you start thinking about it. It's like not even worth worrying about it.
So, I've got to admit there's a recent issue that's got a flame up my butt so here I am scribbling frantically to you in the hopes that someone will understand. So, on the news, everywhere you can see there's this "national opt out day" going on for the WORST travel day of the year, the day before Thanksgiving. While I can understand why people are upset about the new screening machines, it's like porn on wheels here's my thing.
I'll take someone looking at my junk to either being delayed or worse, being pulled out of the air mid-air...anytime of the week and twice on Sundays. I think because hubby is over in Chicago...I feel like I travel a lot. I deal with a lot of bs, I'll admit that. But cmon. I will take a bit of inconvenience, to not have to remember 9/11/2001. I will never ever forget sitting there freaking out, worried about my family, what was going to happen next, I could go on and on.
I think it's crazy when you start thinking about it. It's like not even worth worrying about it.
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