Alice-
While I've been sitting here convalescing, I've been watching a little too much tv and not necessarily getting all that much work done. I will tell you though, I've watched Stand by Me and Shawshank Redemption now at least twice. I have never been a huge horror fan, I think it's overrated. I guess it was the time working with the fellows from Goatman Hollow guys and gals, that a lot of it is fun to watch but if you get knee deep into the story all you're going to end up doing is scaring yourself.
I will say something though, Stephen King....he's got a sense of imagination that he can create entire worlds in 100 pages. Both Stand by Me and Shawshank came out of a set of novellas called Different Seasons. While there were two other stories in the set of novellas, I've got to admit these stories stuck with me the most.
Stand is and probably will always stand in my mind because of River Phoenix. He played Chris Chambers, a kid lost in the world where a few too many people know him. On a journey with his closest friends to see a dead body, his turmoil was a visualization of what everyone that grew up in the late 80's and into the early 90s had seen. The aggravation of people knowing a little too much, and finally coming into your own despite what initial impressions people have. It's a movie that I can't stop watching whether it's on at 4 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning.
Shawshank is an entirely different situation. Andy Dufrene spent his entire time looking to crack the system from the inside out. To work the system that let him down. It's an interesting dynamic when you think that my life has kind of been like that. I get so disappointed with doctors, dynamics, and more stupid politics than I can even shake a stick at...I've got to say that his big F u to the world at the end of the movie always makes my night.
Forever yours-
M
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Stuck in a rut
Alice-
You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.
I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.
When you look at the reality of the situation, my reality....it's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.
Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.
Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-
M
You know I think I write to you often to escape my loneliness. As I'm sitting down here reading this, I'm watching the movie that inspired all of this. After these three years, after so long my resentment is so high, and I'm so scared. I don't quite get it. I don't quite get it. I live and breathe sometimes the feelings and emotions I get from stories, imagination, from the crazy romantic notions that I have.
I thought he could give that to me. That man I knew so long ago. It was about romantic notions, and passionate affair. Then, he disappeared. He walked away and became the one I often sought after. Alice, I searched for that man for close to 2 decades along with this foolish career I think I might possess. I never found him. He found another, and then another after that.
When you look at the reality of the situation, my reality....it's this odd dynamic between a majestic wonderful life and a terrifying adventure into such a risk, into such pain that I don't quite know what to do. After 25 years, I'm back at square one. I'm back struggling to get over pain, struggling with doctors, hospitals, just trying to make myself better. I feel like my world has been taken from me. I did so well. I started out 2010 so well. I was working hard to ensure that my health was doing better. I really was doing well. I had been in therapy, I had started working on ridding myself of the back pain, taking care of myself. I had the man of my dreams that was ready to marry me.
Now, I have two ulcers on my right toe, pain, frustration, and anger. I don't know how I'm going to explain to him what I need. That I need him to just be there. To not vent his frustration at me. It hurts so terribly because all I want is some semblance of support. Some show that he might care. Man, just for him to be there would make a world of difference.
Forever in frustration, I'm always your servant-
M
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A Passionate Outspoken Patient Goes Wrong
Alice-
It's so weird, I've gotten to the point now with all this health mess, that well....I'm at a loss.
I told you that I had been going to that plastic surgeon. No...not for that, don't think that...it's for the wounds on my toes that developed shortly after my physical therapy started. It's so disheartening because it was the thing that stopped me from being active, or as active as I can be. It's hard to even think about, because it was the 1st time I had been told to stop something...and I actually did it. I guess the idea of an artery or vein being opened up to the skin kind of scared me.
It's the toxicologist in me, I'm worried about infection. So.....Dr. V recommended this plastic surgeon. He's a real in your face type guy. Dr. Luethke. Now, let it be said here...he's a decent guy. His intentions are in the right place. He was trying to get me through some of the bullshit. I get that. But, with a certain amount of gestures, it gets to the point that it gets well...weird. He initially started talking about a doctor in Colorado. I very gently in the beginning said, "You know, I am a graduate student, I'm on an extremely limited budget, I'm doing my best as it relates to my health, but at this point I'm not ready and thereby I'm not going to Colorado." He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. The next time, he mentions it again. And again, and again. I finally raised my voice at him and said, "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing that you can say that will push me to get me out to Colorado anytime soon."
Here's the thing. I understand that it's one time or another, I get that. I get that his intentions were in the right place, but he was convinced that he knew more than I did. Now, I recognize that you're probably thinking that I threw the bitch on and called it a day. But, it wasn't that. I have very definitive feelings about quality of life. I'm not a brilliant student by any means, but I'm not a moron either. It was frustrating and hard to handle because I'm sure that all he was thinking was that I didn't wanna have another procedure. Lemme tell you, you know this...I've had these procedures for years. I'm not scared of it, I'm ready for it! It was a hard thing that Dr. Malloy left. I was so unhappy having to actually drive up to Connecticut just to find out that he couldn't treat me anymore.
I was at a loss. I didn't know where to go. But let me tell you this. No crazy doctor is going to tell me how to do my own treatment my own life. It's crazy like.
As always, forever yours-
M
It's so weird, I've gotten to the point now with all this health mess, that well....I'm at a loss.
I told you that I had been going to that plastic surgeon. No...not for that, don't think that...it's for the wounds on my toes that developed shortly after my physical therapy started. It's so disheartening because it was the thing that stopped me from being active, or as active as I can be. It's hard to even think about, because it was the 1st time I had been told to stop something...and I actually did it. I guess the idea of an artery or vein being opened up to the skin kind of scared me.
It's the toxicologist in me, I'm worried about infection. So.....Dr. V recommended this plastic surgeon. He's a real in your face type guy. Dr. Luethke. Now, let it be said here...he's a decent guy. His intentions are in the right place. He was trying to get me through some of the bullshit. I get that. But, with a certain amount of gestures, it gets to the point that it gets well...weird. He initially started talking about a doctor in Colorado. I very gently in the beginning said, "You know, I am a graduate student, I'm on an extremely limited budget, I'm doing my best as it relates to my health, but at this point I'm not ready and thereby I'm not going to Colorado." He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. The next time, he mentions it again. And again, and again. I finally raised my voice at him and said, "I'm really sorry, but there's nothing that you can say that will push me to get me out to Colorado anytime soon."
Here's the thing. I understand that it's one time or another, I get that. I get that his intentions were in the right place, but he was convinced that he knew more than I did. Now, I recognize that you're probably thinking that I threw the bitch on and called it a day. But, it wasn't that. I have very definitive feelings about quality of life. I'm not a brilliant student by any means, but I'm not a moron either. It was frustrating and hard to handle because I'm sure that all he was thinking was that I didn't wanna have another procedure. Lemme tell you, you know this...I've had these procedures for years. I'm not scared of it, I'm ready for it! It was a hard thing that Dr. Malloy left. I was so unhappy having to actually drive up to Connecticut just to find out that he couldn't treat me anymore.
I was at a loss. I didn't know where to go. But let me tell you this. No crazy doctor is going to tell me how to do my own treatment my own life. It's crazy like.
As always, forever yours-
M
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A never ending story of fiestiness and aggravation...
Alice-
Ever so often I'm reminded of the Billy Currington song, "People are Crazy". I went out with some girlfriends last night, one of which went to Penn State. Now, at least around here...Penn Staters are funny. They are a good rowdy bunch with one sport on their mind: football. While I can appreciate your enthusiasm not only for your alma mater, but for your sport, what I don't appreciate and don't like is when someone will get in your face about it.
For crying freaking out loud, it's sports. So, this guy gets in my face last night telling me that Joe P has the best winning percentage in football. Now, I wasn't quite certain of this, and told him so. It's so easy to have blinders on when your school was at a time good at something and now well, let's be honest....isn't. While my aggravation for you not withstanding, I get overwhelmed when people try and be the "man" in a conversation when you're out to happy hour with a table full of women. Women that are interested in sports, at that.
I don't let it bother me till he started criticizing MD. Now, we're not the best school in the land by far, but we're a good school. Fun, athletic, good division I school. Top ranked in mens and women's basketball, lacrosse, soccer, field hockey...I could go on. We are however, even with recent advancements made by our new young quarterback, a sucky, at best football school. But, it's the ACC for you...if you're not VA Tech, Miami, or Florida State...don't bother. But alas, I digress. It's interesting where these types of situations get you. It wasn't even the topic that bothered me...it was how the guy was speaking to me.
Don't get in my face. You'll lose every time. The hubby even said it the other day about how I shut down when people raise their voice at me. The reality is that I know I do it, and I don't care. I don't care that you're "saying" that you're willing to listen, you're not listening, you're shouting. I'm firmly convinced when people shout they're just spending time formulating their argument and not listening to you.
So, with that being said, this is all I've got. This guy was a waste of space. It goes back to the argument that you can be intelligent as hell and dumb as a doornail. Found on facebook that he's single. Wow, that's a big duh on that end. I wanted to be vicious, but you would have been proud to a certain extent I held my cool. I didn't say that because he had a hard on for Joe P that he had blinders on. I didn't say that it was harder than hell to prevent myself from blasting the fact that Penn State is a one sport school. Or in the middle of po-dunk no where.
As I'm preparing myself to leave this lovely little hallow we call MD, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not always right. I did however call the hubby when I got home, looked up the statistics that the little pissant was bitching about, and figured out I was right.
That part felt good. What worries me is that it still upsets me.
Ah well-
I remain faithfully yours in confusion-
M
Ever so often I'm reminded of the Billy Currington song, "People are Crazy". I went out with some girlfriends last night, one of which went to Penn State. Now, at least around here...Penn Staters are funny. They are a good rowdy bunch with one sport on their mind: football. While I can appreciate your enthusiasm not only for your alma mater, but for your sport, what I don't appreciate and don't like is when someone will get in your face about it.
For crying freaking out loud, it's sports. So, this guy gets in my face last night telling me that Joe P has the best winning percentage in football. Now, I wasn't quite certain of this, and told him so. It's so easy to have blinders on when your school was at a time good at something and now well, let's be honest....isn't. While my aggravation for you not withstanding, I get overwhelmed when people try and be the "man" in a conversation when you're out to happy hour with a table full of women. Women that are interested in sports, at that.
I don't let it bother me till he started criticizing MD. Now, we're not the best school in the land by far, but we're a good school. Fun, athletic, good division I school. Top ranked in mens and women's basketball, lacrosse, soccer, field hockey...I could go on. We are however, even with recent advancements made by our new young quarterback, a sucky, at best football school. But, it's the ACC for you...if you're not VA Tech, Miami, or Florida State...don't bother. But alas, I digress. It's interesting where these types of situations get you. It wasn't even the topic that bothered me...it was how the guy was speaking to me.
Don't get in my face. You'll lose every time. The hubby even said it the other day about how I shut down when people raise their voice at me. The reality is that I know I do it, and I don't care. I don't care that you're "saying" that you're willing to listen, you're not listening, you're shouting. I'm firmly convinced when people shout they're just spending time formulating their argument and not listening to you.
So, with that being said, this is all I've got. This guy was a waste of space. It goes back to the argument that you can be intelligent as hell and dumb as a doornail. Found on facebook that he's single. Wow, that's a big duh on that end. I wanted to be vicious, but you would have been proud to a certain extent I held my cool. I didn't say that because he had a hard on for Joe P that he had blinders on. I didn't say that it was harder than hell to prevent myself from blasting the fact that Penn State is a one sport school. Or in the middle of po-dunk no where.
As I'm preparing myself to leave this lovely little hallow we call MD, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not always right. I did however call the hubby when I got home, looked up the statistics that the little pissant was bitching about, and figured out I was right.
That part felt good. What worries me is that it still upsets me.
Ah well-
I remain faithfully yours in confusion-
M
Monday, November 22, 2010
Let's talk a little bit about the TSA...
Hey Alice-
So, I've got to admit there's a recent issue that's got a flame up my butt so here I am scribbling frantically to you in the hopes that someone will understand. So, on the news, everywhere you can see there's this "national opt out day" going on for the WORST travel day of the year, the day before Thanksgiving. While I can understand why people are upset about the new screening machines, it's like porn on wheels here's my thing.
I'll take someone looking at my junk to either being delayed or worse, being pulled out of the air mid-air...anytime of the week and twice on Sundays. I think because hubby is over in Chicago...I feel like I travel a lot. I deal with a lot of bs, I'll admit that. But cmon. I will take a bit of inconvenience, to not have to remember 9/11/2001. I will never ever forget sitting there freaking out, worried about my family, what was going to happen next, I could go on and on.
I think it's crazy when you start thinking about it. It's like not even worth worrying about it.
So, I've got to admit there's a recent issue that's got a flame up my butt so here I am scribbling frantically to you in the hopes that someone will understand. So, on the news, everywhere you can see there's this "national opt out day" going on for the WORST travel day of the year, the day before Thanksgiving. While I can understand why people are upset about the new screening machines, it's like porn on wheels here's my thing.
I'll take someone looking at my junk to either being delayed or worse, being pulled out of the air mid-air...anytime of the week and twice on Sundays. I think because hubby is over in Chicago...I feel like I travel a lot. I deal with a lot of bs, I'll admit that. But cmon. I will take a bit of inconvenience, to not have to remember 9/11/2001. I will never ever forget sitting there freaking out, worried about my family, what was going to happen next, I could go on and on.
I think it's crazy when you start thinking about it. It's like not even worth worrying about it.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Careful calculations and rich traditions...
Alice-
I lost someone very special to my childhood this week and I've got to tell you it has me reverting back to things I hold true. Harry Potter, Twilight, and my husband. It has pained me terribly to know that Mrs. B has left us, but in the end....perhaps it's weird that I say something like that, but I think for me...I always knew to escape into books.
She gave that to me. When she used to baby sit me and K when we were kids, in "library" class in school, it was about escaping into these outlandish characters that you can only get in books, movies, and music. A weird dynamic I'm sure. I've got to tell you it was a real hard decision to whether or not I would go to the funeral.
It was weird. I ended up not going to funeral's before for work, for other reasons, but it just felt right not going this time. I think Mrs. B would have never wanted us to dwell on the hardships and sadness of her passing that she would have wanted us to thrive, prosper, and remember.
It's time to remember the good, not suffer through the sad, and continue to live the way she wanted us to, caring, understanding, and worthwhile.
I lost someone very special to my childhood this week and I've got to tell you it has me reverting back to things I hold true. Harry Potter, Twilight, and my husband. It has pained me terribly to know that Mrs. B has left us, but in the end....perhaps it's weird that I say something like that, but I think for me...I always knew to escape into books.
She gave that to me. When she used to baby sit me and K when we were kids, in "library" class in school, it was about escaping into these outlandish characters that you can only get in books, movies, and music. A weird dynamic I'm sure. I've got to tell you it was a real hard decision to whether or not I would go to the funeral.
It was weird. I ended up not going to funeral's before for work, for other reasons, but it just felt right not going this time. I think Mrs. B would have never wanted us to dwell on the hardships and sadness of her passing that she would have wanted us to thrive, prosper, and remember.
It's time to remember the good, not suffer through the sad, and continue to live the way she wanted us to, caring, understanding, and worthwhile.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
It's been too long..
Alice-
My apologizes for my lack of contact as of recent, it's been a terribly long week and things have been very busy. Hubby went back to Chicago after the holiday weekend, and although the rally was supposed to be more about being moderate that turned out to be a big ol' let's try and be temperate and slow things down in DC to a freakin' halt!
I spent this past week working hard and hardly paying attention to life. This talk was enough to want to hurt someone severely. The man that I work with...I'm sure that I've told you about the selfish, egotistical, hypocritical, chauvanist....he's almost done with his PhD, which I think is horrible, but that's besides the point. So, I was working away all week and I take a face plant on my way into work Tuesday.
So, I have to drop off hubby Monday morning, 6:30 mind you, park the car, forget to put the thingy up, get a ticket...after working for 12+ hours, and this jerk is more important than my work??? It's hard to believe. If I've ever felt neglected, now is the time. So...I get in, having skinned up my good knee, and totalled my toes again. I was doing okay, worked hard, and then went out for election day. I've got to tell you, I had such high spirits for Mom, all the news reports figured we were a shoe in this year. Little did I know that Howard County would hold out this year. It was disappointing, sad, and confusing...but perhaps the hardest thing of all this year was how hard Mom took it.
She's always been so strong in my eyes, someone that would show vulnerable when necessary, but did her best for her girls. Worked hard, keep things honest, straightforward, and it is supposed to work out for you. That's how it was supposed to be. This year, it just wasn't the case. It makes me so sad to see her so upset. I think this may be a good thing for her, a new direction; but I hate to see her in so much pain. It's one of those things where you just wish...you know I just wish sooner rather than later I just wish...
...I know that in my heart of hearts I'll never be able to repay the countless hours, days, weeks, years she gave me. I'll never be able to walk into her arms with a baby of my own and say more than anything...thank you. Thank you for the work, the heartache, the pain that you endured for me to make me the woman that I am. I'll never ever be able to give her back the time that she could have been working hard and saving, she was in the hospital with me. I can't give that back, but all I can do is work as hard as I possibly can to give it all back to her.
I just wish sometimes that life would work quicker than it is.
Forever your servant-
Me
My apologizes for my lack of contact as of recent, it's been a terribly long week and things have been very busy. Hubby went back to Chicago after the holiday weekend, and although the rally was supposed to be more about being moderate that turned out to be a big ol' let's try and be temperate and slow things down in DC to a freakin' halt!
I spent this past week working hard and hardly paying attention to life. This talk was enough to want to hurt someone severely. The man that I work with...I'm sure that I've told you about the selfish, egotistical, hypocritical, chauvanist....he's almost done with his PhD, which I think is horrible, but that's besides the point. So, I was working away all week and I take a face plant on my way into work Tuesday.
So, I have to drop off hubby Monday morning, 6:30 mind you, park the car, forget to put the thingy up, get a ticket...after working for 12+ hours, and this jerk is more important than my work??? It's hard to believe. If I've ever felt neglected, now is the time. So...I get in, having skinned up my good knee, and totalled my toes again. I was doing okay, worked hard, and then went out for election day. I've got to tell you, I had such high spirits for Mom, all the news reports figured we were a shoe in this year. Little did I know that Howard County would hold out this year. It was disappointing, sad, and confusing...but perhaps the hardest thing of all this year was how hard Mom took it.
She's always been so strong in my eyes, someone that would show vulnerable when necessary, but did her best for her girls. Worked hard, keep things honest, straightforward, and it is supposed to work out for you. That's how it was supposed to be. This year, it just wasn't the case. It makes me so sad to see her so upset. I think this may be a good thing for her, a new direction; but I hate to see her in so much pain. It's one of those things where you just wish...you know I just wish sooner rather than later I just wish...
...I know that in my heart of hearts I'll never be able to repay the countless hours, days, weeks, years she gave me. I'll never be able to walk into her arms with a baby of my own and say more than anything...thank you. Thank you for the work, the heartache, the pain that you endured for me to make me the woman that I am. I'll never ever be able to give her back the time that she could have been working hard and saving, she was in the hospital with me. I can't give that back, but all I can do is work as hard as I possibly can to give it all back to her.
I just wish sometimes that life would work quicker than it is.
Forever your servant-
Me
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